If i could edit messages I send to you before you see them I probably would delete that entire novel of a sob story and replace it with something stupid like my name is Chad fuck or something because now you’re probably going to think i’m an even dumber person than I already am and
Shit now I totally understand how you felt every single time you sent me a truthbox message
Except instead it’s a pathetic excuse for “take me back because im afraid of life and being an adult” instead of “I think youre cool”

I need those fancy drugs that turn me back into rational, emotionless bama plz

Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.
Depression is humiliating.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.
Depression is humiliating.
No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.
Pearl (via psych2go)

Tonight is so fucking slow
And im being trained by a guy whos trying to show off his “superior work ethic” and not letting me do jack shit
And normally id be perfectly fine with that
But all I can do is sit in the office and think
And think and think and think and think and think and think
And im still so fucking mad at you, and my ego is bruised, and I can’t breathe and I can’t my brain is so numb
And I wish we could have broken up like, Monday, so I could still see you after I get off work in a half hour
And we could be as normal as we were
I’m a clingy ass bitch and I already havent seen you since last Sunday
And its still eating the shit out of me
And I used to feel better and now I don’t
And I know it’s for the fucking better and I know i’m insane and I know you have anger issues and I know we’ve both got financial shit to do on our own and we’ve got family shit too
But it doesn’t make everything suck any less and it doesn’t make me miss all the awesome things we used to do any less and it doesn’t fucking make the fact that I can’t talk to you suck any less
And I wish we could be friends right now, today, and I wish I could be sending you all of the dumb things
But that probably wouldn’t make it any better anyway
And you’re such a fucking asshole and a person’s never made me feel so shitty in my life
But you’re still my best fucking friend and even though you turned into an asshole, you’re still one of the greatest people I know and
All I can think about is how much I miss everything we used to have
And now I have to get my shit from you soon and I have to see you
And I get no hugs, no kisses, no nothing
Cause we’re “friends”
And im sure im gonna fuckin cry
And I just hope it’s not in front of you
Cause I told you I was gonna be fine
But it’s not fine and I miss you
And you were all I fucking had left
The only constant
And now I can’t talk to you
All because
I didn’t fucking
Understand a joke over a text

And I just keep telling myself it’s for the best and that i’m better by myself but god fucking damnit

I just want everything to go back to the way they were, before we moved out of my house


I miss you. And I love you, and I hate you, and I think you’re mean and I think you’re the sweetest person in the world and I love the shit out of you and I miss you
And this was supposed to be easy for me
And it is easy but it’s also really awful
And I just wanna send you so much stupid shit
And I want a stupid hug
And I want to touch your stupid face with BOTH HANDS!!!
And I want everything to poof and be better
And I wanna live with you again and make you the world’s shittest pancakes
And i’m so much better off alone
And it’s all your fault and I hate you
And I miss the shit out of you

A good friend of mine talked to me today. We don’t get to talk very often, but I am thankful that he picked today.

My mind has been eating me from the inside out. And now, I think I can survive it. I can beat it.
My friend saved my life tonight.

All hail, the king of dunces!
You best hold on i’m opening up my mouth
Bring out the maypole,
And tie me up, and shut me out
Devil knows what possessed me
To shoot my arrow straight into the sky.
String me to the mast and
Hoist me up and hang me high!

All hail, the king of fools!
Your boy’s been bad, let’s keep him after school.
Send me to the blackboard,
And write a hundred times,
“I am the dunce.”